No news is just no news

In case anyone has been wondering what's been up around Casa Bonzo & Bonzette, there was no pregnancy in October, which I have determined is a good thing for now. When it came closer and closer to the time when I should have had my period I was thinking more and more about what a very serious step this was and I freaked out a little bit thinking I could actually be pregnant. Of course, it wouldn't be anything that we couldn't handle but it was like when you know something is a REALLY big deal but don't quite grasp it emotionally until later on. Well, I've decided there are a few more things I want to do before I well and truly settle down. I've always been a bit of an old soul and I think the running around that I never did much of as a 20 year old is now trying to surface.

So we're going to wait a bit longer. Bonzo was very understanding and said we'd just revisit in 6 months to see where things are at. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not even 30 yet so I do have quite a bit of time. I get on a track sometimes and am so focussed that I just keep shooting for the prize rather than really thinking about whether I want it and how. Better to think about all these things now.

I will be back but it may be a while. If there are any loyal readers out there, I'll see you in a few months.

No news is good news, or The Case of the Steaming Eyeballs

As is typical, my positive attitude has waned somewhat over the past week given that there is nothing to do at the moment but wait for the days to tick by. Still no period nor any indications that it's coming, which is a good sign, and the nips are still sore but other than that nothing really to report. Except my eyeballs feel hot today. Is that weird?

On a related note, this whole baby-making prep and implementation time is a great opportunity for me to actually pay attention to what the hell is going on in this body of mine. I have for the most part relied on fairly high energy and a high pain threshold to blow through life with little regard to my poor mortal coil, absent serious, and thankfully thus far temporary, breakdown. I know that this is a luxury that couldn't last forever, but I'm not 30 yet so I probably have a few years of this left. I do very little to abuse my body, too, besides not getting enough sleep all the time and having a fairly stressful job, so I may get extra juvenation brownie points for that. All of that said, I like the fact that I am being forced, or at least strongly encouraged, to actually pay attention to the little things going on with me. There is always the risk of me becoming obsessive with the details, as I can do when something interests me, but in general I think this is a very positive development. The eyeballs for example. Not the most relevant of observations you might say? Fair enough. However, I'm pretty sure that several months ago I wouldn't have noticed, or taken the time to notice, since it didn't hurt, didn't stop me from doing anything, and wasn't a recognizable sign of bad things to come. I still marvel at the fact that I was content to relinquish full control for a very important biological system to chemicals for so long precisely so that I didn't have to think about what my body was up to. I do love schedules! I like that now I've changed my mind. Though I have relinquished a different kind of control - the mental, planning kind - I have faith that ultimately my body will do what it has to do. At least I have faith this week....

In more practical news, we ordered some home pregnancy tests online last night. Only 5 (see, still pretty optimistic, if not completely so). I probably won't test until after next week but we saved a few bucks even with shipping. This will be lifetime pregnancy test #4 for me but the only one where there is a real possibility of a positive. That is if my period doesn't come in the next week of course. Ah, waiting. If only it were what I do best.

Beginning in earnest

It's official - at the risk of providing TMI (though on a blog abut babymaking I feel it's a bit of what the French call "endure ton osti de mal", or you asked for it) we've started trying. Yes officially. Still no period but I had a hunch that I may have ovulated around yesterday so we're giving it a shot. Don't know for sure, obviously, but I just kind of had a hunch and figure it may be those ovary drops working their magic. Something's got to take in sooner than 6 months, right? I expected to get more resistance from Bonzo about my plan since he seemed intent on letting two cycles go by before we started but not a word and I wasn't going to bring it up. Ah, my first official two week wait. Good times.

P + 2 Days

And we're back on the waiting game. Last Saturday was to be the start of my period if I was on a 28 day cycle but no and nothing yesterday or today either, which doesn't surprise me because I don't feel like it's on its way at all. The naturopath was encouraged with my progress when I saw him on Friday and I now have new ovary tuning drops. Oh yes, the herbal wonders he can pull out of his bag never cease. Apparently, he couldn't start me on them before a first period because they wouldn't be very effective but now that things have been "kick started", as he says, this will help to make me regular. He claims that women will often have one ovary that is lazier than the other, which can make cycles of varying lengths since one can be more regular and quicker to ovulate than the other.

I often surprise myself with how trusting and probably uncritical to a fault I am with medical professionals. Not all the time, but often I take what they tell me to without too much fuss. And with pharmaceuticals you have more chance doing internet research about what they will do to you since half the time the herbal remedies are less than descriptive about what they contain. As I write this I think again that I'm kind of nuts for saying ok, but I swallow it all daily. And I wasn't totally uncritical in this case. When Dr. L suggested I take this stuff, I specifically voiced my concerns about taking something else that manages my cycle. After all this trouble, I won't be doing any of that anytime soon. He assured me that this would only assist with what my body wanted to do on its own anyway. It tastes like absolute hell but at P + 2 I may need more assistance. Damned optimism. When you have low expectations you're less likely to be disappointed.

As time goes on...

I feel a little less confident about my amenorrhea being over. Not loads less, but a little. Time allows your mind to wander, to ponder the possibilities, and of course to worry. I imagine that the waiting to see if you're pregnant is a lot more nerve racking, though the bonus there is it's waiting for something good rather than fearing something bad. But the kicker in either case is that there is nothing you can do but let the days trickle by. I should be into cycle week three and having a period two weekends from now or so if we're truly back on track. I couldn't convince Bonzo to forget about the hormonal balance month crap so no actual trying for us this month and, thus, very unlikely to be a pregnancy. The thing is part of the reason I wanted to try this month was to hide from the fact that maybe I won't be regular for another several months. Not that us trying would help with that for long because I might get hopeful when I "missed" a period but we would find out pretty quickly, as we did in February, that the "missing" had nothing to do with pregnancy and everything to do with hormonal screw ups. It would give me an extra little bit of time to avoid the reality, though. Silly, silly, silly but who can be rational about this all the time? Another seven months is a long time. Sigh.

How quickly things change

It's funny how you can be so troubled about something for such a long time and as soon as the worry is removed, things are rosy as can be. There were times in my SMW (seven month wait) where I was pretty discouraged, with my body, with our chances for biological parenthood, with health generally. And nothing, nothing, nothing against my friends in blogland who are struggling through infertility, but reading about such challenges can make you feel like things can't go right for anyone. I felt like if I couldn't even get the period thing right, there was no way baby growing type things were going to happen for me. Irrational, I know, and I didn't feel like that all the time. I spent a few weeks of being pretty agitated and decided that life was simply too short to stay down indefinitely, especially over something I had no control over. This conscious attitude shift helped for the most part, but there were definitely some blue days.

But now that we've turned the corner, I suddenly am the eternal optimist. We've talked about waiting this cycle out to give my hormones more settling time, which I have mixed feelings about, but I'm already counting the months 'til Little Bonzo/ette day. Why would I have any more trouble with this whole conception thing? I've gone through my bout of frustration. Now, sadly I know of many, many women and couples who seem to face roadblock after roadblock in this most noble quest so I recognize that this is a merely a different form of irrationality than my previous grumpy form. This kind makes you feel better about life, though, so until I have a reason for dashed, or at least subdued, hopes I'm going with it.

And we're off!

OK, actually we're not off but back from a long weekend at a friend's place in Galiano Island. But we were off on Saturday, which was also...wait for it...period day one! Of course it was fantastic timing, given that we were sleeping in a tent in our friends' garden for the weekend along with 10 other friends all sharing one bathroom and no real bathing to speak of but hey! If you're happy with cramping you've got to be happy with inconvenience, too, right? At first I wondered if it was the real deal, since I'd been waiting so long and it was a slightly slow start, but it was the deal indeed. And it actually hasn't been that bad. Some mild but insistent cramping kept me up in the middle of the night on Saturday but otherwise it's been just a regular old period. I was kind of concerned that things would have been building up in there over the last seven months (it feels like longer but in retrospect seven months isn't THAT bad. Ah how quickly things change....) and when it finally broke out it was going to be something of a nightmare. Not so. It's like AF and I never parted....

So we've decided that we'll wait one more cycle out before we actually start trying, just to give my hormones a chance to regularize themselves into a cycle now that they've regularized themselves to at least get things started. Dare I hope for babies in the fall?

Dare I hope?

I am repeatedly aware of the irony of my situation, waiting expectantly, hopefully for the unpleasant and uncomfortable signs of menstruation. I wonder if this relishing the cramping and bloating is what happens to teenagers who have a pregnancy scare, at least for a while. Thankfully I never really had one.

The last two mornings I have had about 10 minutes of internal heaviness and cramping. I thought the first time that it may be ovulation pains but I'm not sure that they would last more than one day if that were the case. Still no actual progress but for whatever reason I'm feeling pretty good about my chances over the next little bit. We'll see....

What a difference a month makes - oh right, none.

You got it. No change. I was at the naturopath last Friday and he said "So you've obviously had a period, probably two since I last saw you", to which I raised my hand and replied "Excuse me, sir, but that wouldn't be quite correct. Still footloose and period free." Argh. AND, my lazy liver is up to its old antics again, too. I have been feeling fine (except for Friday itself, but I find I often feel less than 100% when I have a naturopath appointment for some reason) but my liver has regressed rather significantly. In sum, 15 months later all systems are still screwed. You all may be skeptical but I still have faith in good old Dr. L. I may have said this before but until he tells me he can't think of anything else to do, or some other revelation appears to me, I'm going to keep it up. At least I'm now on one set of herbs only - the fewer pills the better as far as I'm concerned. Less to cart around with me. Next appointment at the end of September. Fingers crossed for progress.

Hot enough for you?

OK, so the title has nothing to do with my post but eez hot here these days. I LOVE it, even if the other night it was hard to sleep. My plants are holding on in this wave, too, despite by black thumb track record. Maybe it isn't me but the lack of northwest sunshine that's the problem.

I wish, my loyal two readers, I had something to report, but alas no. Another trip to the naturopath a couple of weeks ago, another change in the herby meds - pelvic stasis something or other. What Dr. L calls the "big guns", but really just an oomphed up version of the last (ahem, unsuccessful) round. I'm going on vacation in a couple of weeks for two and a half weeks and then I have another appointment a few days after our return. Maybe a little R&R is all the reproductive system needs. Not too often you wish for your period to come during your vacation, is it?

I still have days when I get down about it but then days where I don't worry too much. June was a really crappy month at work so I resolved to try and be more zen about life in general. I think it's working. Maybe?

Off to see Knocked Up now. Ah, the irony....

At least I'm not a total freak

One of the problems with being relegated to a secret blogger about babyness is that there are no readily ascertainable living and breathing folks to talk about pre-conception trials and tribulations with. Bonzo and I had to make a pact not to talk about it anymore since it only exacerbated our Men-are-from-Mars-Women-are-from-Venus moments (we're lucky in that we suffer little from this issue in general but we just can't do anything productive on a few subjects). Poor guy doesn't understand and can't help so what's a husband to do but change the subject in 5 seconds flat? Thankfully, I'm at that age where many of my friends and colleagues are at least thinking about kids, either in the abstract or with certain goals in mind, so children and conception do come up without my having to sneak it into the conversation all the time. And then it can also come up in girl-to-girl talks about our nether regions in general. I don't get a lot of these chats because I don't work with many women and I unfortunately spend more time at work than any other place. In fact, in my immediate group work there is only one other woman besides me so thankfully we get along well, since it would get lonely otherwise (the boys are great, really, but it's nice to have someone fully on your team, too). Anyway, she and I were talking pills and periods etc. the other day and she happened to mention that a couple of her friends had to wait months, and up to a year in one or two cases, for a period after coming off the pill. Again I cry inside my head "WHY DO THEY NOT WARN YOU ABOUT THIS?!?!", but at least there are others. I knew the ladies were out there but I didn't know any personally, and now I at least know of one or two. I feigned ignorance about this possible side effect and asked my co-worker a couple of questions about her friends. Apparently, all of the ones who waited for a while were back to their regular cycles as soon as their periods started again, which is good news. Everyone is different, of course, so I'm not going to hold my breath, but I was concerned that the sluggish restart would continue past the first period and cause even more months of non-conception time.

So all this to say that I'm feeling calmer again knowing that others have made it out the other side without too much trouble. Me too, me too!!

Why doesn't my daddy build hotels?

I admit I like to keep tabs on what the celebrities are doing, not in an obsessive, I-wanna-be-just-like-you-or-at-least-get-a-personalized-autograph kind of way, but I like to see how the other half lives and just how non-real it can get. I am much more interested in some celebrities than others, and I will often peruse the People website and pick a select few stories to read as I chew my peanut butter sandwich at lunch. Paris Hilton is one of the ones that is, in general, completely uninteresting to me. Completely. In fact, on one of my bad days, the attention she gets shakes my faith in our society's ability to value what goes on in the world. I realize the irony is that I am now talking about her and paying attention to her shenanigans. However this story makes me so angry. WTF?! Medical problem MY ASS! She's just rich and, thus, powerful and able to weasel her way out of any situation remotely connected, or potentially connected, to the average person's life. And I'm totally against the whole "get tough on criminals" attitude and think often that jail is a really bad solution to most of the problems that result in crime. But to the extent that you were sentenced to jail, I think roaming around in your 10,000+ square foot home after crying for 2 days in a cell is total crap. If I only I could be so lucky as to merit that kind of punishment. Argh.

Rub a Dub Dub

I saw this article today. As an ex-lifeguard, I am very sensitive about leaving small and medium-sized children around water, but I didn't know that kids had trouble in the bath tub in little seats as well as just sitting on their own. I like to think I would never leave a bathing kid alone for even a few seconds, and the report just gives me extra pause. It's a bit shocking to see that people cite falling asleep as a main reason kids are left unattended in the bath, too. I knew you should expect to be sleep deprived, but seriously!

Mis-seasonal

At the risk of sounding un-Canadian, I am ready for hockey season to be over. Now, I actually don't mind a little hockey, but it seems wrong somehow to watch hockey while suffering from the remnants of a weekend sunburn obtained in one's hometown. I wonder how they keep it cold enough to have half decent ice in Anaheim and Ottawa these days. I guess California, Phoenix, Florida etc. have to deal with the heat year round but not us polar bears. The real reason I want hockey season to be over, though, is so that Coronation Street comes back on weekdays at 7 p.m. on CBC. Does that make me an old British granny?

Oh yeah, and nothing to report on the cycle front. So much for natural pelvic region circulation enhancement. All this nothingness is making me very tired. If only I had Coronation Street to distract me.

Hold your nose

I was reading this article today and it got me thinking. Kind of in the same way as we fixate on fertility issues now far more than I anticipate did the gals in olden times, we are very concerned now about things that may impact our children (actual or future) that I don't think our parents or grandparents ever thought about. Don't get me wrong, I think that it's a good idea to inform yourself and be conscious of potential hazards, environmental or otherwise, but I also think there's something to be said for letting kids live their lives without their parents hovering over them and exuding stress at every turn. The article talks about this risk of car seats leeching chemicals that swirl around kiddies in the car, but then goes on to say that that's no reason not to use them since they are necessary. No shit Sherlock! So let's work to make car seats out of materials that aren't sending out invisible waves of poison but in the meantime buckle the youngster up. Deal?

Zit city

Who said acne ends once the dreaded teen years do? Not I, my friends, much to my dismay. I have to say the only real difference I notice about my body since going off the pill is bad skin. Not horrific, total pizza face, boil-ish troll skin, but not good. More pimples than an almost thirty year old lady should have. It took a turn for the worse right away in January then improved somewhat but has done another nose dive. That means my period is coming, right? :)

But in better and broader news, Happy Mothers Day everyone! I hope this day has been special to wannabes and actualees alike, looking into either the present, the future or the past. It's a wonderful day for all of us to remember from whence we all came and to give mom a hug, a cake, and a break.

TCOYF

I'm still waiting for my period - 3 1/2 months late and counting. I think we may be getting somewhere, though, thanks to my good friend Toni Weschler and, of course, my naturopath.

First Toni. OK, so she's a good friend of many a woman, I'm sure, and I've never met her but I'd been hearing about her book - Taking Charge of Your Fertility - and I decided to check it out (you can too here). It's really cool. For those of you who haven't heard about it, it's a book about the Fertility Awareness Method ("FAM" - not the rhythm method but a form of birth control that involves checking your own signs of fertility rather than using any barriers or chemical intervention). FAM can be used as both a natural method of birth control and a way to chart your fertility if you are trying to get pregnant. It's slightly complicated and definitely more involved than other methods but I think I'm convinced. I have several friends who have made comments over the years, both in reference to themselves and to me, about how the pill in particular was a bad idea. I scoffed. Was it really that big a deal to mess with a delicate hormonal cycle given the convenience it affords? Hopefully not in the long run but I don't think I should have been so quick to dismiss their comments. Ah, hindsight. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, actually, because, in retrospect, taking something like the pill is pretty uncharacteristic for me. In almost all other situations I choose not to take drugs of any kind - not for fun, not when I'm sick, not when I have a headache. My general philosophy is to avoid chemical alterations of all kinds, not because of some moral opposition, but because I figure that natural is best except in pretty serious situations. I know, sounds bizarre for someone who was on the pill for some 10+ years but I swear I didn't appreciate the irony of it until just now. It's a bit early to say, but at this point I'd be surprised if I ever go back to that form of birth control. Though I can't say for sure that I would do FAM only, I will definitely consider it for later. And once the cycles are back to rights, hopefully it will make the baby thing work pretty easily.

Of course, my post wouldn't be complete without a visit to Dr. L. My digestion is mostly cooperating, with just a slight relapse last week, so we've moved on to addressing my period-free state. No more cuttlefish pills - apparently anything that they would have done would have been done by now - so I'm now on a chinese herb that improves the circulation to the ovaries and uterus. He tells me that sometimes the hormonal signals are sent but the lady body parts that are supposed to respond don't. The circulation increase is supposed to make them listen up. He also "warned" me that, though these weren't technically fertility herbs, they tune up the reproductive system and may increase your fertility somewhat so it would not be the time to be lax with birth control. He's very cute. Let's get this blood flowing, in more ways than one....

Tick Tock

Still waiting. Ho hum. I keep thinking I feel some period symptoms but they're either something else or my imagination. Then I forget for a few days and go about my regular days. I can't decide what I want to do. The doctor said she would phone if anything unusual showed up in my blood work and I've heard nothing so I assume its all good, which is encouraging in a "no news is good news" kind of way. She also said come back in a month if still no uterine action for the progesterone dose. Before I went in to her, I was pretty adamant that that isn't what I wanted from her at that appointment, but the more I think about it the more that looks like a viable option. What did I say about patience? Yeah. Not much in Bonzette's stomach. I would like to blame it on our fast paced, gimme gimme society but that wouldn't be honest, and if you can't be honest on the faceless internet, where can you be? I like results, damn it, the sooner the better. My mom would say that the universe is trying to teach me some kind of lesson with this waiting game. I really want to chill out and learn it but I also really want a baby. I want to move into this new phase but it isn't up to me. Not the conscious me, anyway. So come on, Uterus Girl. I'll give you a chocolate....

First TTC appointment down

I had my doctor's appointment this afternoon with my GP, Dr. C. I almost chickened out, thinking that I was kind of overreacting given that it's only been 3 months since no-pillness and that I was either going to get the "why do these hypocondriacs keep bothering me" tone or she was going to push some chemical form of period kick-start and send me on my way. Gold star, Dr. C., for doing neither. I played dumb a bit, saying I was there because I hadn't had a period for 3 months and was wondering if that was something to be concerned about. She said that I should have had a period by now but that it wasn't anything to be too worked up about. She asked me how my cycles were before the pill but I really can't remember. I am 99.9% sure that they weren't this irregular because I would have FREAKED OUT as a teenager if I had to wait 3 months for a period, but I can't remember any better details. Dr. C even mentioned the dreaded "post-pill amenorrhea" potential (too bad self-diagnosis in this instance is nothing to be proud of).

In the end she did a pregnancy test on me just to make sure (negative, of course - good thing because I had sushi on Monday without really thinking about it and it was making me slightly nervous) and sent me for some bloodwork. I can't remember all of the things they were checking for (such a newbie!), but I know they are checking for:
1) some follicle stimulation hormone to make sure the ovaries are working a-ok
2) some lutein hormone that makes sure my uterine lining is the cushy home it should be
3) prolactin levels. Apparently, some people have unexplained increased levels of prolactin in their system, which is the hormone that you produce when lactating. If these levels are too high, your body thinks you're breastfeeding and will prevent you from ovulating. Not helpful until after the baby comes, unfortunately.

So the blood's been drawn and Dr. C will call me if anything weird shows up on the bloodwork but I'm to come back if still no period in a month for a 7-day dose of progesterone to get things started. I haven't decided yet what I'll do at that point but there's time. I'd like to see what the blood results are first. Ah, Medicare. And I have a naturopath appointment the first week of May, too, so I'll see what he says about all this.

So much for au naturel

I've broken down and made a doctor's appointment. Still no sign of AF and this Wednesday will be 12 weeks since my last period. Bonzo was encouraging me to see the doctor, which I was resisting on the basis that the whole point of the post-pill phase was to let the body do what it was supposed to do best without intervention. But he's seen my frustration, which has come and gone over the past while, and he doesn't think it's healthy for me to be concerned. Probably true. Plus, and this is what convinced me, while I don't want anything chemical to kick start my cycles at this point, if testing needs to be done then better to get that started now so that the waiting is at least somewhat productive. I'm booked for Wednesday at 3:45. We'll see what she says.

G-N-I-R-O-B

Does it make it any more interesting if I write it backwards? If only I could do upsidedown, too....

Still waiting for normalcy, a little less frustrated-ly this week for some unknown reason. I know that fixating, i.e., worrying is probably pretty unhelpful but that knowledge rarely actually reduces the worried thoughts. I actually thought the wait was going to be over on Monday, so I told Bonzo of my supicions, to which the dear said "good job, baby", as if I have some kind of control over this mess. PSHAW! Alas, no.

In other news, it's almost spring in my hometown. The daffodils and crocuses and Japanese cherry trees are all blooming but it's still been pretty cold. That's ok for me on the one hand because I have pretty robust hay fever and the colder the air the less pollen monsters fly around, but on the other hand I am, as Bonzo likes to say, a sun junkie meaning that I crave the heat. I always say that I was supposed to be born somewhere near the equator rather than in chilly Canada. Ooops. One of my favourite days of the year is that first day you can go out without a jacket on. My birthday is in 3 weeks - maybe it's my lucky year and no-jacket day will be then. More fun to wait for that than feminine ridiculousness.

B-O-R-I-N-G

I've read lots of posts from bloggers who may not have posted for a while saying they've not been posting because there isn't much going on in their lives to report. In a frenzy of originality and a deep need to contribute to the blogosphere, I thought I'd join the club. Still PPA-suffering (see post below), drinking some parsley tea (see here - the site looks a bit sketchy but other research on the almighty internet seemed to confirm Sister Zeus's theories) to no avail, and trying to be patient. Argh. So boring. Though I have to say that even those "warning: severe boredom ahead" posts from other people are better than not hearing from them at all. I'm in the dark ages without an RSS reader so I still check the blogs I read manually to see if there's anything new, and even when the post says there isn't anything to report, there is always a little something. I think that's the marvel of blogs in the first place. Even relatively mundane reports are interesting because they're about people, whom you may or may not actually know, but who are often sharing pretty intimate things about themselves to essentially the whole world. And people are cool, man.

Phew! That's enough philosophizing from me for one night. Back to the waiting game. So much waiting and we haven't even hooked the engine up to the baby train yet! Good Lord, this is going to be difficult.

PPA

I've been doing some research about lack of periods after going off the pill and I think I may have PPA (I don't think that's actually the acronym but it sounds better than post-pill amenorrhea). It's probably a bit premature a diagnosis, given that I am 4 weeks late as of today and they don't start calling it PPA (or so says the internet) until after 3 months, but I'm not pregnant so there's no other explanation. OK, there's the explanation that says that you should be PATIENT (see previous post) and wait for your body to take its sweet time going back to au naturel. But then there are lots of people who apparently go off the pill and start up right as rain right away. As an example, my massage therapist is pregnant and she was telling me about going off the pill a few months before they started trying. I surreptitiously, in the guise of general curiosity, asked her if her cycles started up right away and she said there was no break at all. Wrong answer. I'm still on the cuttlefish train, but maybe this is like the liver fix - eventually effective but slow and steady. Bonzo doesn't seem too concerned about it, though. He's so laid back about life and I guess this is no different. We had talked about trying as of April but it doesn't look like that's realistic at this point. We both think I should have 2 periods before we start just to make sure things are really moving. So we wait some more. On the bright side it means more sushi and coffee, both of which I really like. Hmmmm, maybe it's coffee time now....

Patience is a virtue I am not fully familiar with

I like results. I guess that comes with the territory of having a fairly strong type A personality, but once I decide something should be I want to to happen. So when I went off the pill I wanted things to kick into gear right away. I'm pretty clear that you can't force large-scale nature to do anything so why should you be able to dictate what happens in small-scale nature? Why indeed. So much for my plans - two weeks late and still no sign of a period. Grrrr. I was so impatient that when I was last at the naturopath (as an aside - it must look like I go to the naturopath all the time but I don't. I think it's a common discussion subject simply because I'm trying to get my body on track in general but particularly to make it baby ready) I asked him whether there was something homeopathic I could do to re-regulate my cycles or whether it was better to let my body come to it naturally after being medicated for so long. He said the super natural way could take up to a year so there were definitely naturopathic options to get things moving a little faster. He gave me a homeopathic remedy made from a derivative of the ink of the cuttlefish. It's supposed to help with the side effects of the birth control pill, which he thinks my lack of period essentially is. I have 80 pills, one a day, but I have high hopes that it won't take that many. We'll see. It's going to take more than 6 pills, I can tell you that much. I thought I felt a twinge of cramping today on the bus so maybe things are slowly coming around but I'm not holding my breath.

I think another part of the problem is that I'm nervous about trying to conceive, which is a state we haven't even gotten to yet but why not worry about it now? I'm already a bit nervous about the unknown and also because I know how many people do have troubles conceiving, and then add to that a feeling like my non-periodness is a sign of being broken and it makes for some anxiety. As if life weren't stressful enough. I really need to learn to relax.

Come on cuttlefish!

Ready or not

I always try and hide a smirk when people say that they are really and truly ready to have kids, since I don't think that that is possible. How can you be ready for something so important that you haven't done before? I don't think you can. You can get all your ducks in a row and be in a place where you can visualize kids and being able to take care of them properly, but ready? So that said, my husband and I were talking about being "ready" to have kids this morning on a walk on the beach. I was asking him whether for him having kids was part of an assumption that he would do some day in the natural course of things or if he made a conscious decision that he wanted them. He said both, which is a reasonable answer. I said it was both for me, too, but that lately I had been thinking about what having kids is going to do to our lifestyle and wondering whether all the hassle is worth it. I look at people with their kids and most of the time it looks wonderfully cute and touching and full of love, but sometimes the kids have runny noses and are screaming and have a dirty diaper and I think "Is the love you feel for your kids enough to make this manageable?" I'm pretty sure that it is most of the time, but it's another one of those unknowns. Until you actually feel the love I've heard and read many describe for your own child, you can't know how it's going to affect you. And when I see the snivelling, grubby, foul tempered creatures that kids sometimes turn into, it gives me pause.

The other thing, as I said, is that I really like our lifestyle now. Besides working too much, we have a really good time together, hanging out, sleeping in (not too late but enough), going to the movies when we want to, swinging by the mall on the way home, and just doing nothing when we feel like it. I have enough experience with kids as lifelong babysitter and big sister to know that that just doesn't happen anymore with kids, at least not with any regularity, and that takes some preparation to deal with.

I think these thoughts and questions are just my manifestation of the inability to be really ready for kids. Most of me feels ready but obviously not every part. I'm going to take that as a sign of normalcy.

First time for everything

So I took my very first pregnancy test ever today. Not because I really thought I was pregnant but because this is my first month off the pill in many, many years and I am a week late if you're going by the 28-day cycle. I've been on the pill so long that I don't even remember if I used to be regular, but I don't think I was ever a week late before. I'm sure the old body is just sorting itself out hormone-wise but it makes me think I should have gone off the pill a few more months before we wanted to start trying. Who would have thought I would be anxious to have my period? At this point, I just want proof that my body can do it on its own after 10+ years of oral contraceptive assistance. It's very irritating not knowing when it's coming, though. When you're on the pill you take for granted that you are going to know the exact day, and likely a ballpark time of when you're period is coming. What do natural women do? Talk about taking predictability for granted. Waiting is, at the moment, more of a pain than dealing with the period itself.

In other news, since this really isn't a conception blog yet and I have been mentioning my dear naturopath a lot lately, I thought I'd report that I'm off to see him this Friday. I'm feeling really good these days, so this may be my last visit to him for a while. I also want to ask him about fetus-friendly motion sickness remedies. I get air sick and have a few trips planned this year that I would like not to puke on. Anyone have any ideas? I don't know much about what to avoid when pregnant (which I am for the most part extrapolating to cover my pre-pregnancy state, too, to flush the system out and to avoid the risk of carry over) but I know that Gravol is bad. Good thing I've been collecting those little air sick bags.

OK, the body really is a marvelous thing

So I tried really hard to listen to the body and I've solved the problem, at least so far. Though the tummy symptoms were very similar to the initial symptoms that sent me to the doctor in the first place, it seems to have been caused by liver over-stimulation. Now that I've stopped the liver stimulants things are just fine again. And as often happens in hindsight, I don't know why I didn't think of it before. The naturopath even said the last time that I could "experiment" with lowering the stimulant dose but I decided that I wouldn't feel when it was time to experiment. Apparently I could feel it but my mind just didn't know it. At least I feel good again. Funny how feeling not so good makes you appreciate goodness feeling all the more.

But what do I do with my nice newly restored digestive system? I take it to a hideous Argentinian restaurant and feed it gristle. What is it about ethnically prepared meat on a special grill that makes them think that they can serve the worst cuts of meat and no one will notice? It creeps me out just thinking about what I ate, and I stopped after not that many bites. And I'm not just saying that because one of the meat selections was tripe, which I just can't bring myself to eat. I was very picky as a kid and have gotten 100 times better with age, but organ meat just doesn't do it for me. Ugh. At least there was salsa dancing at the restaurant, so I could work a sinew or two off with my very rudimentary salsa knowledge. The only redeeming quality of that place. Ugh indeed.

The body is a marvelous thing ... most of the time

I have a lazy liver. At least, that's what my naturopath told me in May of last year when I went to see him for the first time. I have trouble digesting things. I don't know what things in particular (because of my physical not-in-tuneness? Possibly....) but a lot of things. My doctor did an ultrasound on my gall bladder a year ago and settled on the catch-all diagnosis of IBS but that didn't help me solve the problem. I even relented and went on her IBS medication for a while, even though I am very anti-medication, but it didn't work. Ha!

My mom recommended this naturopath she and some of her friends had gone to with apparently great results so I thought I would give it a try. Not much to lose at that point but bloatedness and gas. Yummy. (As an aside, I went to see a naturopath when I was in high school for different digestive-related issues. He was a quack. Or whatever the naturopath equivalent is. I was assured this guy was different.)

As it turns out, I really like my naturopath a lot. He is also a doctor of Chinese medicine and so has a different take on the body and healing than western-style doctors, but at the same time isn't flying around in Never Never Land. I like that. I wanted an alternative solution but, if we're being honest, I get uncomfortable with straying too far from my everyday comfort zone. I mostly think it's form without substance, and that, too, won't help me solve my problems. He started my treatment by testing my pulses. There are twelve for different organs and they are measured on a scale of one to ten. At the beginning my liver was a 1 or 2. Not good. In fact, he said he wished he had some new naturopathic students around since I was such a classic case of dysfunctional liver that even they would be able to feel it. Awesome.

So we started on a path of liver support and stimulation to get it back on track, with a sidebar into stimulating stomach acid production to allow me to actually absorb the medication and food in general. Worked like a charm. Not quickly, mind you, but things were never so acute that I had to do something immediately. If it was going to work, I could wait.

Unfortunately, I'm having a relapse. I had about 4 months of general relief and then in the middle of January the symptoms began to return and if anything they're getting worse. I've played around a bit with my doses of stomach acid pills to see if I could get things under control but no dice. It's very frustrating since (a) I was really feeling better, and (b) (and the relevance to this blog) I wanted to fix these digestion issues before any babies, thinking I should get my systems in tip top shape before throwing them to the dogs, or the fetus as the case may be. I may have to revisit that plan. I go back to the naturopath on March 3. Hopefully he has some solutions. Stupid body. Marvelous, but stupid.

The body is a marvelous thing

I'm always envious of those people who seem to know their bodies. I mean really know them, like know what foods cause what minor reactions in what quantities and at what times of day, what affects their energy levels, what causes them to be moody, etc. I just don't have that gift. Or, correction, haven't put the time into developing it. It's a symptom of my broader problem of not being able to sit still for two seconds and just feel, I'm sure. I'm trying to be better, for my mental and physical health, but it's hard when you're young and busy. And listening to your body is so bloody complicated! I'd like to be more in tune, though, to know when good baby-making time is. This is my first month off the pill in like 10+ years (the Dr. promised it wasn't necessary to take any breaks - we'll see....) and I'm curious to know if my body knows what's natural or whether it's been confused for so long that it's going to take a while to sort itself out. If I were more in tune, maybe I would know. But for now I'm going to trust it. Good job, body, good job! We're still not even trying so it doesn't really matter. But I am curious....

Tiptoeing in

Anyone else come down with internet mania when a big step is about to be taken in their life? In the year before I got married, I was addicted to the Knot, mostly the posts that everyone put up asking for advice and opinions. Now that part of my life is behind me (fingers crossed forever) and thoughts have turned to babies. OK, that's not strictly true, since I've wanted to be a mom forever. But it's actually thoughts leading to actions this time. Not yet, but soon. So I've been reading blogs like a lunatic - new baby blogs, pregnancy blogs, and trying blogs. And I've really enjoyed reading the stories of women whom I don't know and never will.

Anyway, here I go, launching myself into the fray, but in secret. I'm, so far, a strict no-saying-you're-pregnant-to-anyone-but-family-until-you're-past-the-3-month-mark gal, so this way I can throw my thoughts into the world wide web with anonymity and abandon. Mwah-ha-ha. Until I have something to report....