As time goes on...

I feel a little less confident about my amenorrhea being over. Not loads less, but a little. Time allows your mind to wander, to ponder the possibilities, and of course to worry. I imagine that the waiting to see if you're pregnant is a lot more nerve racking, though the bonus there is it's waiting for something good rather than fearing something bad. But the kicker in either case is that there is nothing you can do but let the days trickle by. I should be into cycle week three and having a period two weekends from now or so if we're truly back on track. I couldn't convince Bonzo to forget about the hormonal balance month crap so no actual trying for us this month and, thus, very unlikely to be a pregnancy. The thing is part of the reason I wanted to try this month was to hide from the fact that maybe I won't be regular for another several months. Not that us trying would help with that for long because I might get hopeful when I "missed" a period but we would find out pretty quickly, as we did in February, that the "missing" had nothing to do with pregnancy and everything to do with hormonal screw ups. It would give me an extra little bit of time to avoid the reality, though. Silly, silly, silly but who can be rational about this all the time? Another seven months is a long time. Sigh.

How quickly things change

It's funny how you can be so troubled about something for such a long time and as soon as the worry is removed, things are rosy as can be. There were times in my SMW (seven month wait) where I was pretty discouraged, with my body, with our chances for biological parenthood, with health generally. And nothing, nothing, nothing against my friends in blogland who are struggling through infertility, but reading about such challenges can make you feel like things can't go right for anyone. I felt like if I couldn't even get the period thing right, there was no way baby growing type things were going to happen for me. Irrational, I know, and I didn't feel like that all the time. I spent a few weeks of being pretty agitated and decided that life was simply too short to stay down indefinitely, especially over something I had no control over. This conscious attitude shift helped for the most part, but there were definitely some blue days.

But now that we've turned the corner, I suddenly am the eternal optimist. We've talked about waiting this cycle out to give my hormones more settling time, which I have mixed feelings about, but I'm already counting the months 'til Little Bonzo/ette day. Why would I have any more trouble with this whole conception thing? I've gone through my bout of frustration. Now, sadly I know of many, many women and couples who seem to face roadblock after roadblock in this most noble quest so I recognize that this is a merely a different form of irrationality than my previous grumpy form. This kind makes you feel better about life, though, so until I have a reason for dashed, or at least subdued, hopes I'm going with it.

And we're off!

OK, actually we're not off but back from a long weekend at a friend's place in Galiano Island. But we were off on Saturday, which was also...wait for it...period day one! Of course it was fantastic timing, given that we were sleeping in a tent in our friends' garden for the weekend along with 10 other friends all sharing one bathroom and no real bathing to speak of but hey! If you're happy with cramping you've got to be happy with inconvenience, too, right? At first I wondered if it was the real deal, since I'd been waiting so long and it was a slightly slow start, but it was the deal indeed. And it actually hasn't been that bad. Some mild but insistent cramping kept me up in the middle of the night on Saturday but otherwise it's been just a regular old period. I was kind of concerned that things would have been building up in there over the last seven months (it feels like longer but in retrospect seven months isn't THAT bad. Ah how quickly things change....) and when it finally broke out it was going to be something of a nightmare. Not so. It's like AF and I never parted....

So we've decided that we'll wait one more cycle out before we actually start trying, just to give my hormones a chance to regularize themselves into a cycle now that they've regularized themselves to at least get things started. Dare I hope for babies in the fall?